3 Shocking Facts Men Need You To Know About Them

Hello favourite readers! Here is this listicle to ladies who like me have been in relationships or are in one but have no clue. I’m totally here for you, because I know exactly what it means to be with someone you love so dearly and yet get hurt.

I originally named this post ” 5 Surprising facts you didn’t know abut the man you love”.Two things, I don’t know what my obsession with 5 is, and I don’t want to bore you with 5 facts! Oh Lol.

In school then, we would scribble mathematical formulas in our palms or cram them just so we didn’t forget because in maths, it doesn’t matter how intelligent or good you are if you don’t know the formula to apply. This also applies to relationships, you need to know what works and what doesn’t work, yeah I know some people would say they don’t do rules, they like to be themselves, but a great relationship is the result of two dedicated individuals working hard at making it work. Here below are some interesting facts you can easily remember about the man in your life. If your relationship is awkward already, it’s not late to get in line with these tips.

  • He wants your respect

A Survey ran on 400 men by Shaunti Feldhahn got me astonished and gave me a clearer understanding of the difference between both sexes. The research asked men to pick between two options: “to be alone and unloved in the world” or “to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone”. 73.8% of men said they’ll rather be alone and unloved in the world than take disrespect.

Another instance where the male need for respect hit me was in the movie “Fireproof” Caleb Holt (Kirk Cameron), in a conversation with his father made this statement; “seems like I am a hero to everyone in the world except my wife”. Men want respect, Women want love. Respect is not saying tremble at his feet and call him “my lord”, it’s in little things like appreciating him, asking for his help and  publicly respecting him.

 

  • When he pulls back, it’s not you!!

From our understanding about ourselves, it is safe to say that women reward people with words and time, so if I’m talking to you, I like you and if I don’t, aint no way I’m talking to you, however, guys don’t operate this way, their withdrawal is born from a different source. Dr. John Gray, in his Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus gives insight on this that is relatable:

“At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships and he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.”

Dr. John advises us to not try to  have intimate conversations with him when he is in his ‘cave’ but to talk about problems with friends or have fun and go shopping. Who knows, he might snap out of it faster.

Watch out for the last shocker next week.

 

 

 

My Silly Relationship Story: He Looked Great Till He Spoke

Hello there! I have been thinking of a way to make my blog more interesting and I decided to start this new Tuesday feature. It’s going to roughly be a 4-minute read of funny, bizzare, weird and emotional relationship experiences from different women all around. You can be a part of this journey by sending me a mail at lprojectletters@gmail.com with your story, your cover image and your contact details if you run a blog. Or you may not if you want to be anonymous.

So this is me about to tell you my silly relationship experience. Truth is I have several of ’em and I’m still thinking of which one to put up here as at time of writing this. But hey, this one I chose is really silly.

I met this dude and I fell in love with him (sorry, his looks) immediately. I was telling my friends that I really liked him and that maybe God brought him my way for a reason. Now I’m a big day dreamer, so day dreaming about him was my night time movie!

His name? (Hell no!) I’m not telling, but let’s call him Bad Guy. Bad guy was all shades of cute, well to me and I honestly (really trying to make myself believe now) liked him. He was that dark, creamy(I don’t know what that is really and why all these parentheses though?) guy that looked nice as heaven in black (now my besties will know who this is). He was shy in a cute way, but it turned out later on that he knew exactly what he wanted.

I remember the first day I spoke to him, I froze, I couldn’t find the words to say and I was trying to make an impression. After that day, we started texting and talking on phone. In the early stages of our conversations, I noticed we didn’t flow too well, our conversations were kind of forced.

After a week of talking, Bad Guy assumed we were dating and I was still like I want him, but he’s not God-fearing enough, there’s no connection and all till we kissed. The kiss defined our relationship status, guys! my friend’s were like who kisses a man and automatically says they are in a relationship? I hid under the assumption that I couldn’t kiss a guy and not be with him. I told him how I didn’t do sex and make-out before marriage and he pretended to agree.

He bought me gifts and stuff and always said he will marry me, of course I didn’t believe that because I had heard that before and I knew it was not true. I was in that relationship and I felt horrible because I was forcing it and we had no conversations, He knew nothing about me and didn’t tell me things. Our conversations used to go “Hey sup”. I hated this and I told him many times but he always did the same. He never called me to ask how I was, how school was or about my life, but bad guy was never slow to say I miss kissing you, hugging you, I want to hold you. Everytime I reminded him that we were not making out he said that he was sorry, but he would do it the next second.I remember once, we just talked about abstaining from sexual activity and he seemed to agree and immediately we ended the conversation, he was at my back trying to tease me, kiss me.

That was painful, however, I still convinced myself that he was a good guy and I was being melodramatic about everything. I remember one other time that I was really ill and I wanted to stay home and get better, but he wouldn’t hear that. He got angry that I didn’t want to see him. I was like, hey dude! I’m ill and I need to get better, but he wanted me to come and see him and your girl did, lol!

I finally got the courage to end the situationship with him, it hurt for like two days and I was back to living the normal life. If you ask me about regrets I had, I would say yes.Yes because I didn’t take all of his money and run him dry and get guys to beat him up (totally kidding), on a more serious note, yes because I walked blindly into the arms of a man that didn’t respect me, my beliefs and that had no interest in me at at all. Most of all, I judged the container before the content. He looked great till he spoke! He was empty.

Yours, till our next Tuesday story.

3 Shocking Facts Men Need You To Know About Them

Hello there, I’m here with my fifth (oops, sorry) final fact on men that I put up recently. This last fact is on something we are all guilty of as ladies, it’s crazy that it is a big deal, or even a deal at all, but somehow, it got in my list. So here it is:

He doesn’t give unsolicited support

Again, I’m pulling tips from John Gray’s book  because I feel he totally hit the nail on the head. From his book, I learnt that as women, we tend to believe that we don’t need to ask a man for support, help or his time. This stems from the fact that we intuitively feel the needs of others and give what we feel they need, we expect men to feel the same.

Our natural belief route will be something like “if he loves me, he will offer his support without my asking”. Ocassionally, we would purposefully not ask as a test to see if he really loves us. It goes on like this that we keep giving, expecting him to give back, but he doesn’t, because he thinks that if we needed something from him, we would ask. When we decide to ask, it looks like it is a demand and demands don’t go well with guys. We (women) may end up feeling like if we have to ask, it doesn’t count.  It’s great to think this way, but the formula for this problem says that men are not wired like us, they are not intuitively wired to offer their support.

I caught myself saying yeah! all through my reading the chapter of the book that contained this fact. It was easy to relate with, there are so many times in your relationship that you’re going to need him to stop doing something or to keep doing something, maybe spend more time with you, help you with something, take you out or call you more often and as much as it feels ideal that you should’nt have to tell him when you need his help, it would be great to put in some effort to make your relationship more enjoyable because by asking, you get what you want and he feels like a superhero meeting your needs.

Till my next Post….

2 Surprising Traits Men Find Attractive in women Besides looks.

It’s funny when we see a guy that we like, for example and he’s there hitting it big with some other girl that isn’t half the lady we are, from her blogpost on 10 highly attractive Traits in women (that have nothing to do with looks),  Dharam Barrett says that although men are still attracted by nice head of hair and beautiful body, the staying factor is most important. The staying factor here is what keeps the man glued even when you’ve been together for long enough.

These two points I’ll be listing are a few out of many traits men find attractive in women, but they are my favourite to note. Comment down other traits you feel men would find attractive, I’ll really love to hear from you.

  1. Passion

Men find it really intruiging when a woman is in pursuit of her interests even when she is in a relationship with them. He would be happy to know that you spend some of your time developing your passions. It could be playing an instrument, acting, reading, learning a particular language, just anything that you devote time to everyday. A simple technique I’ve learnt is the GRAB 15 technique by Dru Scott Becker that encourages you to spend 15 minutes everyday to get better at something you love. It’s that easy, at the end of the year. you will have spent 78 quality hours in developing your passions. Go girl, take the 15 challenge today.

Ever seen this image?

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2. Kindness

Isn’t this shocking? Kindness of all traits, it’s true. From her post on How To Attract Men, Brooke Blue shared about a study on 10,000 subjects that asked both sexes what quality they preffered most in their partners; kindness took the lead. It’s funny how people are taught to stand up for themselves, but are not taught kindness, men look out for a woman that is not only nice to them and their friends, but also to people that add no value to them. Be kind to people today, you never know who is watching.

Dear Right man: A note to all women

The post for all women looking for right in their left defaults. 

Searching for the man that would love, cherish and praise you. The man that would chase you, everyday. The sexy, cute and God fearing man that would spend hours talking to you, drive miles to see your face and ask you to marry him in the most romantic way.
When I had a quarrel then in my relationship, he really wanted me to be strong and not show it to everyone who cared to know, I badly wanted to also, but it just couldn’t happen because inside I was a wreck, and it’s only what you have that you can give. I needed to get to that place where I understood what being a phenomenal woman meant, to that point where I wasn’t inspired to be strong because of what I saw around me, or what he wanted, but because of what I knew inside me about treating your man like a king.
I remember trying to make him the right man without wanting to be the right woman, I wanted him to call me beautiful but I didn’t tell him I respected him, I wanted him to spend more time with me but I never appreciated the time he sacrificed to spend with me. I wanted him to be great but I didn’t tell him how great I thought he was.
That’s how we all want perfect without willing to give anything that would benefit the other, we give what we want to receive and not what they want to receive and we scream, I’ve been giving, giving and giving. It’s great to give but you give what they need not what you would have them give you in return. Love is as intentional as going to the bank to pay your school fees, you find out how much the school wants and you pay that amount, definitely you’re getting enlightenment back. I needed to get rid of the negative mindset, to stop using shallow internet tips to solve the effects of my issues instead of dealing directly with the root cause, the result usually was me being happy for a while, thinking I could handle it and then the next missed call, unread message for three hours, I’m busy doing this would, shatter me. What then was strength and how could I get it. It’s that strength that keeps you when everyone is against you, the strength that would keep you when you get married and your Mother-in-Law keeps asking for a child, the strength that would keep you when his secretary calls him by 3am for ‘business’ the strength that would keep you when he can’t talk for two weeks, that would keep you when he’s pulling away from you, when you’re worried he doesn’t love you anymore.
Where can you get this strength, that would untie the knots of pain that have been tangled In your heart, I needed to realize that the source of your strength matters, if the strength had to carry you through all life’s issues, then it had to be inexhaustible, so I crossed out man, food , alcohol, friends, temporary solutions to this problem. They only lasted for a while and hurt me double when their effect faded.
But there was one, He had been there from the start. Funny how the one you think didn’t care is actually the one that cared most, because I had called out to him severally and He was right there watching, saying go through this Dara, I know it hurt but I’m not the enemy, I won’t stop your trial but I’ll go you strength to carry on, because after you’re pressed, shaken and beaten just like an olive, you’re going to produce such sweet smelling demeanor that would reach out even to the deadest hearts. He had always been there, He is the inexhaustible source of strength, He helps every time, may be you should stop running from the situation you’re in, stop asking Him to end it, rather ask Him for strength and receive it. Tell Him to give you strength when no guy walks up to you, when all your friends are engaged and you aren’t, when your man pulls away, when he’s too busy to talk to you, ask Him to fill you up with love that you can’t do it all by yourself.

“And I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being”

Send notes, ideas and questions to daralasisi@gmail.com

Image reference: aujpoj. Great blog! Y’all should check it out.

The over-compensation game: Why He doesn’t push further

Hey lovelies! It’s  great to be back on the writing scene, after my long over-due momentary silence. I had my laptop ruined, and yeah I couldn’t type on my phone much, but I’ve really missed this little community.

So, what did Blair Waldorf do that kept the guys chasing after her, even if she wasn’t your “good-mannered” kinda lady? It’s simple, no over-compensation.

The Story Part…

Ayo was an awesome guy, I really liked him….loved him. We met on Facebook and we got talking so quickly, I needed a friend, he needed a ‘muse’. He was cute and charming, girls dropped comments on his page all day, it was exhilarating. I wanted to do everything to keep him, I didn’t want to lose him, No!

One day, he sent me a text with the name “Funke”, I sent a cute message back, explaining how I was Dara, but it was okay, such things happen, maybe his phone auto-corrected Dara to Funke. I told him I loved him and I was true, ain’t playing no games this time.

My dad gave me eleven thousand for my lesson fees at school and I used it to buy Airtime, new shorts, make-up and an eyelash extension. I had to look good for my man, I was damn serious about keeping this one. All I did was lie that the money was stolen, I got pardoned, Ayo was worth it! I called him every night to hear his voice. On nights that his phone was off, I sent three texts, two Facebook messages and cried the rest away. He must put on his phone to see his girlfriend cares. He said he was a busy person but he still loved me, but he never showed it. Maybe I could love him into believing. Ayo oh Ayo!

Then one night, I called him in tears, “why don’t you care for me? why don’t you love me? Can’t you see that I really need you?” Wait for it. He said this “I don’t have time for this Dara, I have better things to do.”(If you’re singing Tope Alabi’s Aye le, you’re absolutely right). This was the guy I spent my lesson fees on, put my leg inside cold water for till 12:30 just for free call, snuck my Nokia (was it express music?) into the hostel for. He left me and dropped the best closing line – “we’ll see if God wants us to see again”.

This story tells how much I believed that giving everything and always being available would keep him glued to me. I knew what I wanted; a man that would always be intrigued by me, however, men are not attracted by a woman who feels she needs to work hard for everything. It’s just like a man that hunts, when he catches game, especially one that he has been trying hard to catch, he feels like he’s won a trophy. But place a dead lion at his door, and he is barely moved, to him, it’s useless. The over-compensation game is you trying too hard to please him, revealing too much to get his attention, going paranoid when he doesn’t call or respond to your text for three days or not setting boundaries.

Much hasn’t been said about how you can stop the cycle of over-compensation in your dating regime, I have put this post down here for you, to let you know that you can choose the high standard life right now. In this world where everyone’s relationship is all up in our faces and there’s this need to be in one, you need a source of strength to keep you in check. It doesn’t come from trying suggestions like “when he texts you, wait for twenty minutes to show that you’re not waiting on him” or “the number of lines in his message should determine the number of lines in your reply”. All these are great ideas, but you can’t give what you don’t have inside.  You need to get active in building your confidence, a simple hack I do when I’m nervous is to quickly change my thought process, so in place of “will he like me? Am I interesting” I intentionally think, “will I like him? Will he be interesting?”

A classy lady draws up her strength from inside, she doesn’t need to be aggressive to set a boundary, she is simply polite but firm, passing her message effectively.

If you really enjoyed this post, tell a friend that needs to read this. You can now send your questions to daralasisi@gmail.com and I’ll be sure to get back to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Amazing Tips for Your Relationship this Year

Still in the spirit of the new year, for those that say new year, same me, or those who believe a new year is a new blank book with twelve empty chapters. It’s still something new🙃 and that’s a change for me, so stay stuck up in your beliefs.
For me, last year was my not too good year and I definitely have high expectations for this year (perhaps having Bae around finally 😝).
So todays post is really simple, it’s my New Years gift to you. It’s personal because from my experience in dating, I discovered that a quality relationship is not a 100% feeling oriented, rather it’s about two people that act deliberately towards achieving such relationship. So you love each other, cool! What you gonna do when he doesn’t call you for three days? Or When you keep complaining about something and he doesn’t change? Or When you begin to feel like he is distant from you. Over time, I began to learn things about the opposite sex that made me understand that a relationship will rarely work if you expect to receive by either giving the wrong things or not giving at all.
The tips I’ve listed are just surface level stuff, I have however placed links to previous posts that are related to a few of them. Enjoy!!

10 Notes for your relationship this year
1. Don’t give up
2. Speak to the man in him
3. Find out his love language
4. Say nice things about him to his friends and your friends
5. Write him a note telling him what you respect/ admire about him
6. Get busy with your purpose.

7. Tell him what you want, don’t nag

8. Change yourself instead of praying for him to change
9. Be his friend, hang out with him
10. When he hurts you, tell God to heal you and help you forgive

Please feel free to ask questions by sending a mail to theloveprojectblogger@gmail.com